I am unwinding for the evening, and to my right is your car carpet, a bag of half put away hotwheels, a soft Elsa blanket, set up as a scene for dolls, a barbie using a Halloween spider as a cash register. A doll being served a clothed bright pink fish as a meal. Your very pointless "ready to wake" alarm clock, foam swords and the glow sticks that are long burned out but that you couldn't bear to throw away. There is a party hat and a half deflated balloon left over from the sweet and happy memories that we made during Jason's fifth birthday party. It is a corner of chaos, and of imagination, and childlike wonder and joy. May you someday sit and smile at the mess your kids have left you, and also think that the time is finite, and that it is precious.
Tuesday, February 5, 2019
You are precious to me
It has been entirely too long since I've written, and I truly regret that. There are so many small moments and memories that I want to cling to, but they are like sand slipping through my fingers. Every grain of sand feels like gold. Life is so finite, I want to remember every second, every laugh, every silly face, before they are gone. Before you don't want to snuggle up to me on the couch, or be tucked in to bed, or walked up to the school. I want to hold you and hold our moments tight in my heart. No matter what, no matter how long goes between entries, please know that moments with you, down to the smallest toe tickle, are the most valuable in my life.
Sunday, October 14, 2018
Six Months of Hardship
Our family was very fortunate when it came to death and loss. We lost my Grandfather Frank while I was pregnant with Jace, and we lost Chris's Grandmother "Nanny" shortly after Jace was born. Those losses were both hard, but they were long lives, where both people were very sick to help those of us left behind justify their passing. Both told loved ones at the end that they were ready to go. There was pain there, but also peace. That is how every ending should be, it is what I would wish for all of us.
We recently experienced two much more severe and devastating losses...
Six months ago today, Chris lost his father.
There is a lot of backstory there, but that is for another day, another time. The thing is, life was looking up for him. The last time we spoke to him was on speaker phone, and he was spunky and happy. He was scheduled to have the lower portion of his leg amputated, due to an infection and softening bones. At first this news was hard, but in this phone call he was laughing about pimping out his new leg. He was talking excitedly about how after the healing process that he'd be here to visit us in Germany. It was a good conversation, and for me it was one of few I had with him in his last year, because I struggled holding a conversation with him on the phone. I regret not talking to him more, but I am so thankful for that final conversation.
Two days later, he passed away in his sleep. He was on pain meds he should never have been prescribed because they numb your esophagus as well as your body. It was a freak accident. A tragic, awful, terrible "accident". Saying that word doesn't soften the pain of it. He should be mid recovery, with a pimped out prosthetic and as much sass as ever. And he should be here, blaring country music, spitting out southern sayings and loving on his grandchildren.
One month ago today, I lost my sister.
Katherine was 20 years old. She was in college, and truly just beginning to find herself and to truly live. I am still trying to reconcile it enough in my head to find words to say about her passing. My last conversation with her was over snap chat, so it is gone. We were talking about her boyfriend and his recent surgery and recovery. She was so positive and happy that the surgery was behind them and that they would be moving forward. That was about two weeks before her accident. She was driving home from college for the weekend with two friends, when she was struck in the driver side by an oncoming truck. It was instant, and for that I will forever be grateful. My dad called me in Germany, at 4:45am to tell me. It was a 6 minute phone call, but I will never forget it. Since that call I have had a scream building in my chest that I can't release. I don't know what is wrong with my brain, but I really struggle to remember anything that involved her, which makes no sense. We have a million memories, but it is like they are filed away and I can't find the key.
On this, the shittiest type of anniversary, I just want to say-I love you. Say it freely, say it often, say it with conviction. You never know what your last words to someone will be, and the only thing I can be thankful for in either of these losses is the knowledge that the last words I said to both Rick and Katherine are "I love you".
We recently experienced two much more severe and devastating losses...
Six months ago today, Chris lost his father.
There is a lot of backstory there, but that is for another day, another time. The thing is, life was looking up for him. The last time we spoke to him was on speaker phone, and he was spunky and happy. He was scheduled to have the lower portion of his leg amputated, due to an infection and softening bones. At first this news was hard, but in this phone call he was laughing about pimping out his new leg. He was talking excitedly about how after the healing process that he'd be here to visit us in Germany. It was a good conversation, and for me it was one of few I had with him in his last year, because I struggled holding a conversation with him on the phone. I regret not talking to him more, but I am so thankful for that final conversation.
Two days later, he passed away in his sleep. He was on pain meds he should never have been prescribed because they numb your esophagus as well as your body. It was a freak accident. A tragic, awful, terrible "accident". Saying that word doesn't soften the pain of it. He should be mid recovery, with a pimped out prosthetic and as much sass as ever. And he should be here, blaring country music, spitting out southern sayings and loving on his grandchildren.
One month ago today, I lost my sister.
Katherine was 20 years old. She was in college, and truly just beginning to find herself and to truly live. I am still trying to reconcile it enough in my head to find words to say about her passing. My last conversation with her was over snap chat, so it is gone. We were talking about her boyfriend and his recent surgery and recovery. She was so positive and happy that the surgery was behind them and that they would be moving forward. That was about two weeks before her accident. She was driving home from college for the weekend with two friends, when she was struck in the driver side by an oncoming truck. It was instant, and for that I will forever be grateful. My dad called me in Germany, at 4:45am to tell me. It was a 6 minute phone call, but I will never forget it. Since that call I have had a scream building in my chest that I can't release. I don't know what is wrong with my brain, but I really struggle to remember anything that involved her, which makes no sense. We have a million memories, but it is like they are filed away and I can't find the key.
On this, the shittiest type of anniversary, I just want to say-I love you. Say it freely, say it often, say it with conviction. You never know what your last words to someone will be, and the only thing I can be thankful for in either of these losses is the knowledge that the last words I said to both Rick and Katherine are "I love you".
Thursday, April 27, 2017
Bad Parenting?
Aria and Jace have developed a VOG allergy on our beautiful island. For those who haven't lived here, that is volcanic ash, which causes similar allergic reactions as pollens and animals. My poor kiddos ooze snot and have swollen nasal passages, and huge bags under their eyes. So, at the ripe ages of three and five, they are on an allergy medicine regimen. Today when Aria took her dose of zyrtec, Aria said "Look Mom and Dad, I can take a shot!" and took the meds just like a professional alcoholic....
Um, for the record, we do shots very rarely, and when we do it's almost ALWAYS when the kids are sleeping. Little freaking sponges!
When we had finally stopped sneakily giggling, Chris asked Aria what a shot was and she actually had no idea. Thank goodness.
Um, for the record, we do shots very rarely, and when we do it's almost ALWAYS when the kids are sleeping. Little freaking sponges!
When we had finally stopped sneakily giggling, Chris asked Aria what a shot was and she actually had no idea. Thank goodness.
Friday, April 21, 2017
Dear Babysitter
Dear Babysitter,
I’d like to preface by saying that my kids are awesome. They are the smartest, and the cutest, and they tell the best poop jokes. Here are just a few guidelines to help while you’re watching them! Clothing: Jace is almost positive that he should never have to dress himself, but will be extremely particular about the clothing he wants to wear. If you tell him to get dressed in “going out clothes” he will change from his current pair of pajamas into a new pair of pajamas. It’s his thing, we don’t fight it. Socks are a whole different thing, when it comes to socks, Jace is a committer. He will wear them forever if you let him. You have two options: trick him into a bath and steal the socks(this may cause a meltdown), or coax him into new socks by exaggerating the coolness level of the clean pair of socks. Star Wars socks are always less cool than Spiderman socks, that’s just the way it is.
Candy: They are both going to ask for candy, multiple times per day. Sometimes they will ask again immediately after receiving an answer, whether you say yes or no. IF you say yes, they will ask for another, before even obtaining the first piece. This continues in a vicious cycle until you finally and inevitably say no. And then they will ask again.
Movies at night: Every night they will ask to watch a movie in our room. This is something we occasionally allow, and about 80% of the time it ends badly. Their selection of movies is on top of my wardrobe, and they will fight over who gets to pick the movie. They will opt to play rock, paper, scissors to decide their champion, and Aria will cheat. If she won last time, cheat in Jace’s favor. Chances are very good that there will be tears, but especially if Aria is the loser. They will try to con you into leaving the bathroom light on, and the closet light on, and the bedroom light on…etc. They are conning you, the only light they get is the TV. Spy on them with the baby monitor. 20% of the time they will peacefully watch the movie and then beg for another. 80% of the time our bed turns into a wrestling ring, and there will be jumping, cackling, kicking and regular rounds of sibling torture. If this happens, they get three strikes then they are booted to their rooms. There will be tears. Jace will be offended you accused him of acting up, he’ll say “I would NEVER!”, it’s his only argument, you are stronger than him. Basically, a movie in our room ends in whining for another, crying because they are being sent to their room, or grouchy kids the next day….so opt out as often as you’d like.
Naptime: When Jace wakes up from his nap, he will call for you. He’ll be completely calm until you open the door, and then he’ll start yelling that he doesn’t want you, he wants someone else. Don’t worry, it happens to everyone. Santa could open the door and he’d cry that it wasn’t the Easter Bunny instead. You have two options: leave the door open and go downstairs, or wait there for him to chill out, and convince him you weren’t the worst option possible for the first face he saw post nap. If you opt to go downstairs, he’ll cry. A LOT. He’ll swear he wanted you all along and that you’re traitorous for leaving him. If you stay upstairs, he may or may not cry…A LOT. Good luck with that roulette.
I’d like to preface by saying that my kids are awesome. They are the smartest, and the cutest, and they tell the best poop jokes. Here are just a few guidelines to help while you’re watching them! Clothing: Jace is almost positive that he should never have to dress himself, but will be extremely particular about the clothing he wants to wear. If you tell him to get dressed in “going out clothes” he will change from his current pair of pajamas into a new pair of pajamas. It’s his thing, we don’t fight it. Socks are a whole different thing, when it comes to socks, Jace is a committer. He will wear them forever if you let him. You have two options: trick him into a bath and steal the socks(this may cause a meltdown), or coax him into new socks by exaggerating the coolness level of the clean pair of socks. Star Wars socks are always less cool than Spiderman socks, that’s just the way it is.
Candy: They are both going to ask for candy, multiple times per day. Sometimes they will ask again immediately after receiving an answer, whether you say yes or no. IF you say yes, they will ask for another, before even obtaining the first piece. This continues in a vicious cycle until you finally and inevitably say no. And then they will ask again.
Movies at night: Every night they will ask to watch a movie in our room. This is something we occasionally allow, and about 80% of the time it ends badly. Their selection of movies is on top of my wardrobe, and they will fight over who gets to pick the movie. They will opt to play rock, paper, scissors to decide their champion, and Aria will cheat. If she won last time, cheat in Jace’s favor. Chances are very good that there will be tears, but especially if Aria is the loser. They will try to con you into leaving the bathroom light on, and the closet light on, and the bedroom light on…etc. They are conning you, the only light they get is the TV. Spy on them with the baby monitor. 20% of the time they will peacefully watch the movie and then beg for another. 80% of the time our bed turns into a wrestling ring, and there will be jumping, cackling, kicking and regular rounds of sibling torture. If this happens, they get three strikes then they are booted to their rooms. There will be tears. Jace will be offended you accused him of acting up, he’ll say “I would NEVER!”, it’s his only argument, you are stronger than him. Basically, a movie in our room ends in whining for another, crying because they are being sent to their room, or grouchy kids the next day….so opt out as often as you’d like.
Naptime: When Jace wakes up from his nap, he will call for you. He’ll be completely calm until you open the door, and then he’ll start yelling that he doesn’t want you, he wants someone else. Don’t worry, it happens to everyone. Santa could open the door and he’d cry that it wasn’t the Easter Bunny instead. You have two options: leave the door open and go downstairs, or wait there for him to chill out, and convince him you weren’t the worst option possible for the first face he saw post nap. If you opt to go downstairs, he’ll cry. A LOT. He’ll swear he wanted you all along and that you’re traitorous for leaving him. If you stay upstairs, he may or may not cry…A LOT. Good luck with that roulette.
Wednesday, March 1, 2017
Entertaining Convos
Aria and Jace today:
A: "Pretend that you're a dad, ok?"
J: "No, I am VENOM!!"
A "But pretend that you can become a dad too"
J: "Ok, but pretend I didn't, because I didn't want to"
A: "Dad, do you want this food I made?"
J: "I am not your Dad, I am VENOM!"
A: "Oops, I guess I forgot your name. I'm just going to call you Dad when I forget your name, ok?"
J: "No, that is not my name. Do not call me your dad."
A: "Alright Dad, pretend that I'm 18 now."
J: "Kid, I am NOT your dad. You don't have a dad, and will NEVER have a dad!!"
That pretend world is a harsh place.
A: "Pretend that you're a dad, ok?"
J: "No, I am VENOM!!"
A "But pretend that you can become a dad too"
J: "Ok, but pretend I didn't, because I didn't want to"
A: "Dad, do you want this food I made?"
J: "I am not your Dad, I am VENOM!"
A: "Oops, I guess I forgot your name. I'm just going to call you Dad when I forget your name, ok?"
J: "No, that is not my name. Do not call me your dad."
A: "Alright Dad, pretend that I'm 18 now."
J: "Kid, I am NOT your dad. You don't have a dad, and will NEVER have a dad!!"
That pretend world is a harsh place.
Wednesday, December 7, 2016
Eerie
Chris is off on TDY in Virginia this week. The kids and I were going for a walk to look at Christmas lights, when out of nowhere Jace says "Mom, Aria is my sister, and my brother is with Dad in 'ginia". When I asked him for clarification, he repeated the same. So I asked him his brother's name, and he said something quiet and undistinguishable that sounded a little bit like "dragon". "Oh! Your brother's name is dragon?" Chris always takes a toy from each of the kids to go on adventures with him while he's away. He sends back pictures and videos of them doing silly things regularly to keep the kids connected to his trip. This trip he brought a small ninja keychain, and a dragon bath toy.
"No, my brother is with the ninja and dragon, helping keep Daddy safe."
I had chills.
I don't know what I believe about people who pass away looking down on you, but it immediately made me think of my miscarriage, something I never discuss with the kids. Out of nowhere Aria says, "Mom, what happens to me and Jace if you die, and if Daddy dies?" Just light conversation while strolling through Christmas lights...
So here it is:
Aria and Jason,
You are SO loved. You were blessed to be born into a family of people who truly love you, and truly love children. If something happens to me and your dad, you will never lack in love. I have complete faith that you will be well cared for and will live an amazing life. Your father and I have absolutely no intention of leaving you, but life is unpredictable. If something happens to us, here is what you will do:
You will be happy. Honor us by finding joy in everything. Dress up, throw crazy parties. Laugh with your friends, and with strangers. Ignore all stereotypes, and find yourself in every category of people. Immerse yourself into the community: volunteer, explore, expand your horizons. Try new things. Go on roller coasters and hikes, swim with dophins, sky dive. Never lose your sense of adventure, soak in all of the things this amazing world has to offer. Love, like you've never lost. Don't tie up your heart in the hurt of loss. Every thing comes to an end, and living in fear only stunts the beauty of everything around you. My wish for you is to live: Truly. Completely. Freely.
"No, my brother is with the ninja and dragon, helping keep Daddy safe."
I had chills.
I don't know what I believe about people who pass away looking down on you, but it immediately made me think of my miscarriage, something I never discuss with the kids. Out of nowhere Aria says, "Mom, what happens to me and Jace if you die, and if Daddy dies?" Just light conversation while strolling through Christmas lights...
So here it is:
Aria and Jason,
You are SO loved. You were blessed to be born into a family of people who truly love you, and truly love children. If something happens to me and your dad, you will never lack in love. I have complete faith that you will be well cared for and will live an amazing life. Your father and I have absolutely no intention of leaving you, but life is unpredictable. If something happens to us, here is what you will do:
You will be happy. Honor us by finding joy in everything. Dress up, throw crazy parties. Laugh with your friends, and with strangers. Ignore all stereotypes, and find yourself in every category of people. Immerse yourself into the community: volunteer, explore, expand your horizons. Try new things. Go on roller coasters and hikes, swim with dophins, sky dive. Never lose your sense of adventure, soak in all of the things this amazing world has to offer. Love, like you've never lost. Don't tie up your heart in the hurt of loss. Every thing comes to an end, and living in fear only stunts the beauty of everything around you. My wish for you is to live: Truly. Completely. Freely.
Wednesday, November 2, 2016
Chris is making me post this...
I haven't been on in entirely too long, but here are some moments worth note:
Today Aria was talking with her hands, perfectly imitating Chris's gestures, while lecturing a friend about her "rememberies". It was pretty adorable.
Halloween was Monday, and the kids have been asking every single day for a month if they could go see the "Haunted House", which is really just a decorated house on base that themes their lights with music. The kids are completely entranced by it. They don't understand that during the daylight, those things are significantly less exciting.
Aria's birthday is on Friday, and we are having a conflict of interests about the party. Something about a bouncy house, pool, princess, sophia, pokemon party? SO...for now we are having a pool party. It is our last one here in Hawaii and that blows my mind a bit. When we moved here, she was a measly 18 months old. I'm going to go cry now...
Chris is the one who made me make this post, to get back in the habit. He's deemed it acceptable and says I can go back to having sangria now. PEACE!
Today Aria was talking with her hands, perfectly imitating Chris's gestures, while lecturing a friend about her "rememberies". It was pretty adorable.
Halloween was Monday, and the kids have been asking every single day for a month if they could go see the "Haunted House", which is really just a decorated house on base that themes their lights with music. The kids are completely entranced by it. They don't understand that during the daylight, those things are significantly less exciting.
Aria's birthday is on Friday, and we are having a conflict of interests about the party. Something about a bouncy house, pool, princess, sophia, pokemon party? SO...for now we are having a pool party. It is our last one here in Hawaii and that blows my mind a bit. When we moved here, she was a measly 18 months old. I'm going to go cry now...
Chris is the one who made me make this post, to get back in the habit. He's deemed it acceptable and says I can go back to having sangria now. PEACE!
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