Dear Babysitter

Dear Babysitter,
 I’d like to preface by saying that my kids are awesome. They are the smartest, and the cutest, and they tell the best poop jokes. Here are just a few guidelines to help while you’re watching them! Clothing: Jace is almost positive that he should never have to dress himself, but will be extremely particular about the clothing he wants to wear. If you tell him to get dressed in “going out clothes” he will change from his current pair of pajamas into a new pair of pajamas. It’s his thing, we don’t fight it. Socks are a whole different thing, when it comes to socks, Jace is a committer. He will wear them forever if you let him. You have two options: trick him into a bath and steal the socks(this may cause a meltdown), or coax him into new socks by exaggerating the coolness level of the clean pair of socks. Star Wars socks are always less cool than Spiderman socks, that’s just the way it is.
Candy: They are both going to ask for candy, multiple times per day. Sometimes they will ask again immediately after receiving an answer, whether you say yes or no. IF you say yes, they will ask for another, before even obtaining the first piece. This continues in a vicious cycle until you finally and inevitably say no. And then they will ask again.
Movies at night: Every night they will ask to watch a movie in our room. This is something we occasionally allow, and about 80% of the time it ends badly. Their selection of movies is on top of my wardrobe, and they will fight over who gets to pick the movie. They will opt to play rock, paper, scissors to decide their champion, and Aria will cheat. If she won last time, cheat in Jace’s favor. Chances are very good that there will be tears, but especially if Aria is the loser. They will try to con you into leaving the bathroom light on, and the closet light on, and the bedroom light on…etc. They are conning you, the only light they get is the TV. Spy on them with the baby monitor. 20% of the time they will peacefully watch the movie and then beg for another. 80% of the time our bed turns into a wrestling ring, and there will be jumping, cackling, kicking and regular rounds of sibling torture. If this happens, they get three strikes then they are booted to their rooms. There will be tears. Jace will be offended you accused him of acting up, he’ll say “I would NEVER!”, it’s his only argument, you are stronger than him. Basically, a movie in our room ends in whining for another, crying because they are being sent to their room, or grouchy kids the next day….so opt out as often as you’d like.
Naptime: When Jace wakes up from his nap, he will call for you. He’ll be completely calm until you open the door, and then he’ll start yelling that he doesn’t want you, he wants someone else. Don’t worry, it happens to everyone. Santa could open the door and he’d cry that it wasn’t the Easter Bunny instead. You have two options: leave the door open and go downstairs, or wait there for him to chill out, and convince him you weren’t the worst option possible for the first face he saw post nap.  If you opt to go downstairs, he’ll cry. A LOT. He’ll swear he wanted you all along and that you’re traitorous for leaving him. If you stay upstairs, he may or may not cry…A LOT. Good luck with that roulette.